When Overwhelm Strikes: The Hidden Strength of Self-Care and Knowing Your Limits
As a child I had to do my homework before I could go out to play, do as I was told and work hard, or at least, try hard. My parents meant well and at the time it made sense. But, like many of us growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I longed to do what I wanted to and couldn’t wait to grow up and have the freedom to decide for myself.
Fast forward 40 years or so and you’d think we’d now have that freedom we dreamed of as children. Sadly, even when we think we know what we want or need, we still continue trying hard, pleasing others, or holding ourselves to unattainable heights of perfection.
What’s Going On?
Our early childhood conditioning and the ways we were taught to behave stay in our unconscious adult minds even when some of this trips us up and stops us from taking care of ourselves or knowing when to say no. It’s as if our brains are still running software from the 80’s and have never been debugged and updated. Some of what’s up there is fantastic but there’s a fair bit we could do with digging out, looking at and chucking out as it’s making life harder than it needs to be.
A Fast Track to Overwhelm and Burnout
My unconscious childhood programming tells me I have to finish things before I can relax. The trouble is, there are too many things and there is always something to do. And, with ADHD my brain is slow and reluctant when it comes to doing the day to day routine stuff. It wants variety, challenge and new things, not dreary meetings, admin and routine work.
Unfortunately, my software, tells me that if I can’t do it, I just need to work harder until it’s done. Try harder, concentrate more, work harder, put more effort in. I’ve done that in the past and now know that when I carry on regardless instead of noticing and breaking through this old programming, I end up overwhelmed, miserable and ultimately burnt out.
Finding Limits in Adversity
I write a journal from time to time. I wrote this in February, 3 weeks after my Dad died:
“I'm having a bad day. I'm overwhelmed and unfocused. I feel jittery and emotional, purposeless and directionless.
But, I don't want to feel like this. I’m upset with myself and extremely frustrated that there are so many things I could be doing that I know would make me feel better but I don’t have the energy to know which one to do at the moment.
This is me at my worst, and least resourceful, feeling useless and in a downward spiral trying to do it all, trying to control things and make myself feel better. It doesn’t work. The more I do, the worse I feel. I’m running on empty, ignoring my feelings and trying to push through.
Yet, in this state I feel incapable of choosing one thing and taking action so I spin, stuck in my head, feeling worse and that the only solution might be hiding under the duvet.
I know I need to do something helpful so I am less overwhelmed, but the overwhelm makes it near impossible to choose what to do and then do it. I feel physically sick writing that, it's incredibly frustrating, being stuck like this. Needing to give myself a break, break down and cry and just give into it all, yet some old patterning is pushing me onwards, knowing that I'm strong and can get through this.
Sod it, I know what I need and I'm going to ignore that old pattern and give into it all. I've been running on empty for at least the last 2 years. I need to stop and give in to it just now. I'm exhausted and I need to look after myself. I'm going to sleep for as long as I need.”
Increasing your Self-Awareness - What works for you?
I’ve learnt a lot since then and have realised that my ADHD hyperactivity is invisible. When the DSM-5 describes one of the ADHD symptoms as: “Acts as if driven by a motor” it’s describing what’s going on in my head rather than my body. “Doesn’t know when to stop” would perhaps be a more accurate description for many of us.
As women with ADHD we tend to think we’re superwomen and pride ourselves on being strong, independent, capable and competent. It’s easy to fall into trying to do everything on our own and wearing ourselves out.
If any of this feels familiar, here are some things you can do:
Begin by noticing how you feel when things are not going well.
Noticing patterns and feelings is the first step to making changes.
If you’d like to try this for yourself, find a quiet place and ask yourself these questions.
Consider a time when you felt overwhelmed and struggled to choose a path forward. What were the signs that it was time to hit pause and give yourself a much-needed break?
What feelings do you associate with overwhelm, stress anxiety etc? Where do you feel these in your body?
In challenging moments, what do you do to practice self-compassion and allow yourself the space to let go and take care of your emotional well-being?
Ask for help
You don’t have to do it on your own and it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Getting support from someone non-judgemental who really understands you and the challenges of ADHD is a game changer.
Working with a coach with lived experience of ADHD normalises your day-to-day life, increases your confidence and belief in yourself and reduces feelings of isolation and otherness. For many women, working with a coach is the first time in their lives that they have felt fully seen and heard for who they are.
If you’re ready to move forward and overcome the blocks that are holding you back
book a free call with me now and find out what coaching can do for you